"What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger"

The reason I am writing about this on my "Life is Good" blog is because there are positive things that come from trials and sometimes people just need to know that they are not the only ones experiencing something. Maybe there is someone struggling with something similar or wondering if what they are going through is normal. I have not found ANYTHING about women who have a hole in their hearts who have talked about birth control and their experiences or anything even close. Honestly, my doctor didn't even know for sure what to prescribe me! So maybe this can be a little bit of help for someone.

I recently got married and that means birth control has been introduced to my body for the first time in my life. I was diagnosed with a Ventricular Septal Defect** in my Heart about 3 years ago, so when I went to my appointment to get a prescription for birth control, I had very limited choices in order to protect my heart and avoid serious complications such as stroke (that is a major risk with having a VSD).

Anyway, most women can switch birth controls if one kind makes them cranky or if it makes them feel sick or gain weight or something like that. They can keep trying until they find the perfect pill that not only prevents pregnancy but also has all  or most of the other benefits that birth control has to offer such as regular and light menstrual periods, less painful menstrual periods, fewer (or no) headaches, less (or no) PMS symptoms, less (or no) acne,  a better sense of overall health, and adequate energy to do everything you need to do.

With a heart condition where stroke is the number one risk, the college nurse I went to said there are only four real options. This means I do not have the option of switching between pills to find my "happy pill". The options I was given are as follows and are in no particular order:

#1, use condoms every single time you have sex. Now, those of you who are married and NOT trying to get pregnant yet know that this option basically sucks. Who wants to deal with condoms every single time you want to get freaky?? And how many of your husbands want to wear one of those with you?? Well not me and definitely not my husband. So we'll just move right onto the next option because that is obviously not what we chose to do for me.

#2, have an IUD put inside you. Planned Parenthood's website says this is a "small, t-shaped device inserted into the uterus to prevent pregnancy." It also says that it is long lasting, safe, and effective but must be inserted by a health care provider. The ultimate kicker here is that it costs between $500 and $1,000 up front. I don't know about you, but as a newly wed... I DO NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY. Also, I have heard from friends that there can be lots of issues with this choice that I did not want to deal with even if I had the money such as lots of pain and lots of risks.

#3, get a placebo-only birth control shot (Depo-Provera). This is exactly what it sounds like... a shot in the arm to prevent getting pregnant. One shot lasts three months and each injection costs anywhere from $35 to $100 and that usually does not include the exam fees. I am terrible with needles (usually I pass out) and I haven't heard of very many women doing this so I was not overly enthusiastic to opt into this choice. Plus, again it is a bit pricey if my insurance won't cover it and I would have to go to the doctor every three months. I really haven't heard much about this good or bad, so I didn't want to try it.

#4, use a placebo-only birth control pill that you take at the same time every day. There isn't a portion of these pills that starts and stops your period, you just have a period when it is "natural" for your body (that is the major difference I noticed with it being labeled as "placebo-only"). This is the option I chose to go with and the first couple of months were miserable. The symptoms you experience with a really heavy period with extreme cramps, headaches, and PMS were out of control and I was so upset all the time. Finally, it seemed like my body was adjusting and things were going well. When I got health insurance through my work, they switched me to the "name-brand" stuff that is supposedly the exact same thing. I have to tell you... my body wigged out big time. 

So after my body wigged out, my husband and I decided that I needed to just stop taking the pill and I did. I still am having lots of health issues, but it has only been a couple of weeks since I stopped taking the pill. Yesterday was the first day in a month and a half that I didn't spot or bleed and it was such a relief. I am still having lots of pain though and it is very painful to have sex no matter how much we want it. The only advice anyone has for me is to go to the doctor, so I guess that is what I will do. We will probably have to figure out a payment plan and put it on my credit card to be able to pay for it... but I just don't know what else to do. It's very discouraging and emotionally hard on our relationship, but at the same time it has also brought us a lot closer together in our marriage.

As my health issues have continued, we have relied more and more on the God that we believe in. We both belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints (often referred to as "Mormon"). When we got married, we committed to not only LIFE together, but ETERNITY... life after death, forever together. When we first got married, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what this meant. Everyday since then, I have learned even more. Because our marriage is sealed by our Heavenly Father, there is an added measure of sanctity. To better rely on the Lord, we have chosen to pray together every night. We kneel on our bed (because there is no room in our tiny house to kneel next to the bed on the floor) and hold hands while we pray together. That itself has been a huge blessing because even on nights when we might be arguing or have tension between us, we still pray together and it's really difficult to be mad at each other while you pray. I believe this is Heavenly Father's way of telling us to chill out and just enjoy our journey together, that what we are upset about really doesn't matter very much.
  

All in all, trials always make us stronger in some way by teaching us or even physically making us stronger. My husband and I have both experienced this MANY times and know it to be true. In fact, my husband always says this one thing when either or both of us are going through a trial or something tough. He says, "The way I see it, God either hates us or He's trying to teach us something; now we know He doesn't hate us... so we just need to figure out what He is trying to teach us." If we look at life in that way, A LOT of learning and happiness occurs. So through this birth control trial, I am trying to look through the clouds and the pain to find out what Heavenly Father has waiting for me. 

A final note from me is this. I chose not to have sexual relations until I was married and not only did it end up being the best gift I could give my husband on our wedding day, but it was the best gift I could give myself. I highly encourage avoiding all the the issues that come with pre-marital sex by simply waiting for the one person that you want to spend your life with. You won't have anything to negatively compare your sexual relationship with, you won't have jealousy and anger about former partners, you will avoid STDs and STIs, and you will have a bond with your spouse that is absolutely incredible. Though it can be very tempting at times, I know for a fact that it is absolutely worth it to wait.

**A quick little background on VSD is that it is basically a hole in my heart and it is something that one out of every five people are born with. So, the fact that I was only diagnosed with it three years ago only means that that is when we realized I had the issue but I was in fact born with this. Many people grow out of it, but at my age the likelihood of that are more slim than when I was a child. The basic symptoms vary from person to person, but I experience the following: dizziness or feeling light-headed, nausea, shortness of breath, extreme lack of energy, and frequent headaches. Each person is different and may experience different things, but mine hits me the worst when I don't get very much sleep or when I am up early in the morning (it is also worse when I haven't eaten much). It usually takes me a while to get up and going in the morning.

A New Beginning... A beautiful Journey

Today I decided that it was time to get back into the blogging world. I got immaturely offended a while back when people started giving me a hard time about what I was posting on my blog. To that, all I have to say is this... If you have a problem, keep it to yourself and simply do not read my blog anymore. I love to write and I have really missed it, so if I offend you just know that it was not on purpose and you you are not required to continue to read my posts. I hope that through what I have to say, people can learn from my mistakes, follow my example through triumphs, and be inspired by who I am. Things happen all the time that I want to share, so I hope this will be a way to do so. I'm starting over fresh with my new married life and the choices I am making. I am going through a lot currently and taking on new things that I have no idea how to handle sometime! It is a beautiful Journey.

Yesterday seemed like a simply terrible day. My husband and I had bad news after bad news with school and just couldn't seem to come out on top. We were discouraged, stressed, and worried altogether. As the day went on, we let every little thing possible get to us. I especially let little things bother me and I was just exhausted. My husband got a grade back for a paper we had worked together on so that he can graduate next week and it was not at all what we expected. I felt terrible thinking that I had ruined his grade for him and he was just distraught because he had worked so long and hard on it. After I got off work, I rushed to try to finish an assignment that I thought was due next week and we both rushed to the school to turn it in. By this point I was just flat out crabby and feeling very sorry for myself and for my husband. We stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up a few things to get us through the next week of finals (aka Diet Coke and flashcards lol). On our way back home, we got stuck at the same stop light we always get stuck at.

A car pulled up next to us very quickly and frantically flashed their lights at the stoplight cameras to try to get it to change faster. When it finally turned green they took off quickly and we both immediately noticed that they had their hazard lights on. Curious if they realized this or if it was completely on purpose, we decided last minute to follow them. They were driving pretty quickly so we stayed back quite a ways for fear of getting a ticket. We drove for what seemed like a long time and ended up in a part of town I had never been to. All of the houses around us seemed very large and fairly nice looking and we figured we were in a good part of town although we really couldn't tell much because it was late and very dark. When we thought we had fallen too far behind the speeding vehicle to be able to follow it, we turned the corner and saw the car with its hazards still flashing and two ambulances surrounded by several people and cop cars. My stomach dropped and I asked my husband if we could pray. He said we could pray in our hearts because he wanted to keep driving to make sure we were not in the way.

Then, he told me a story about a woman who was in a car accident and died almost immediately. She saw herself leave her body and was hovering above watching the whole scene. She explained that she saw this pillar of light shoot up to the heavens from a nearby car with a woman inside praying for her. She suddenly felt herself being pulled back to her body and she was miraculously revived. Later, she found the woman who had seemingly saved her life and thanked her for saying a prayer for a stranger she had never even met.

Looking at the seen in front of me, reality kind of me in the face and I tearfully said to my husband, "and I thought that I was having a bad day." In that moment I could hardly speak. I had no idea what was really going on, but I knew for a fact that anything I had going on was nothing compared to it. I don't know if those people lost someone or had some sort of accident or what, but I really just had a moment of... "Wow. What was I so upset about? It could definitely be a heck of a lot worse and I really have SO much to be grateful for." A dose of eternity sunk in and I just sat quietly while my poor husband drove in a bit of confusion. He probably couldn't understand why I was suddenly so somber. I felt terrible for being so selfish and so worried about such dumb and unimportant things all day when I could have been focused on making someone's life a little bit better or on strengthening my testimony or spending time with my husband. Those are the things in my life that truly matter and last forever.

I am honestly so grateful for the little things my husband does for me and for the little things every single day that the Lord blesses me with. I think I was supposed to see what I saw last night to remind me of what I really have. I couldn't be more grateful right now and I know that EVERYTHING happens for a very distinct reason. Hopefully I'll be able to remember clearly what I'm feeling now and what I have learned through this experience.